New Moon Review & Recap

TL;DR Version: I don't even know, you guys. I just...urgh.

Twilight II: NEW MOON ZOMG!
Spoiler-Free (aside from what I knew going into the movie):
Look, I hate the Twilight books. I'm not talking flames on the side of my face, but I made several frustrated growls while reading them. But, that's all a rant for another post.

No matter how I feel about the books, I feel like it's important to remember that the movie is not a book, it's a movie. So, here was me trying to go to see it. I was pleasantly surprised by the first movie, as it spared us all the horrible writing in the books and was just an unmotivated romance story that somehow turned into an epic vampire fight (Alice doing ballet-what-nots before ripping off hippie-hair vampire's head? Awesome). Granted, the pitiful dialogue was still in the movie. As far as I had expected, that pitiful dialogue would be in this movie as well.

I knew they were showing Edward's face when he talked Bella out of motorcycle suicide, as opposed to just his voice (because audience members won't understaaaaand otherwise). I was told that the blank pages of months passing would be replaced by a window montage*. I heard that the fursplosions were non-cheesey (not in terms of story, like, the CGI you guys)**. These were all basic things I either saw from trailers or heard from those who saw early premieres.

And so I walked into the theatre with this in mind, and my posse and I sat and waited. We played "Previously on Twilight:" in order to recap everything we could remember from the first movie for the sake of understanding the continuity from the audience perspective. We listened to cougars behind us talk about Opra, SMeyer, and OMGSHIRTLESSJACOBSQUEE. We noted that, really, every Twihard in the theater had a Blackberry or iPhone and, upon quick peeking, I noticed they were Tweeting anticipation (really, kids? You can't just, you know, share the experience with the people you're with?!). I pondered if they would Tweet the movie (short answer: one girl did, two rows in front of us. And, she slouched down really low to try to hide the glare of the screen). And then, an hour before showtime, half my posse and I got reckless and we went on a mission to buy a magazine, that ended up just being a walk around downtown to stretch our legs and a strategic pee-break before the bathrooms exploded into maximum capacity RIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW (as they always do).

I also began texting Ashley and Dinah before the show. Dinah was at a different Twilight premiere, and sported her Team Shovel shirt. Personally, I thought it meant to just bury "the spare". Bludgeoning worked exceptionally well too, though.

And then the greatest thing happened; the lights dimmed, the projector started rolling, we covered our ears, and a defening scream came from the audience...that stopped slowly in a pathetic dwindle-out, "Oh, wait, that's not the movie...shit, let's pretend we were excited for the Lovely Bones trailer. Woooo?" I laughed.

I laughed harder still when the actual movie started and the girls were clueless about such ("Wait, is this it? I CAN'T TELL BECAUSE YOU CHANGED THE SOUNDTRACK AND THE FILTER! NO MOAR BLUUUUUUUE!").

AND THEN THE MOVIE STARTED. WARNING: SPOILERS.